anna, still?

so yeah. had my "it's been a couple months, time to call paul" call from anna. sure wish i knew what was going on there, what happened, all of that. probably nothing would have, but seems like it could've. sure should've. not sure if it's my fault for not doing anything, or just timing at me moving away and her re-finding jesus.

either way, i'm my usual not letting go self. hurray for stupid! why i can't let go, especially of something that never happened, i've never understood. just always been that way. guess it's just easier to live in what might've been than what is sometimes. and, with my fear of anything resembling a relationship, these imaginary supposed-to-have-beens are my way of thinking i'm not as much of a loser in that area as i am. hurray for delusions!

oh well. i should really stop thinking about all this. doesn't get me anywhere.