everything falls apart

that old dog's eye view song (yes, i had to look up who sang it) has been going through my head the last few days... seems to be very fitting for me now, and, well, always. i definitely seem to be one of those people who isn't happy unless there's something going wrong. when things go right, i look for reasons why it can't be. just not content with being content it seems. (which, why don't i ever write in here about the good times i have?)

anyhow, what got me thinking about it again was how i've been avoiding calling back the guy about the potential new job cause i'm not sure if i want it (which i won't probably know unless i call him back) or if i even want to leave my current job (which i'm always going back and forth on). but at least i'm finally gonna email the guy back, so maybe i'll step up and do something about it now. who knows, only time can tell, some other cliche... yeah, that's all i've got now.

(this post brought to you by the selected ben folds songs i have playing now)

passion

so i'm watching "the actor's studio" now (although it could be anything), and realizing i have no passion. or, at least, i feel like i have no passion. nothing that i would die without. nothing i can't live without. nothing i couldn't give up. that i care about more than myself.

watching them (in this case, robert redford) talk about their career and life and how they came into the work, it just makes me realize that i have no path that's driven me to where i am. i've just sort of stumbled here because it was the easiest way to go. sure, i like what i'm doing. i love solving problems, thinking through the best way to do something, learning new ways of seeing something... but i don't know that i've come here because i'm passionate about it.

like, right now, i have a choice to make. i'm being pursued by another company, but i'm not sure i want it. my reasons for not wanting it are that i like the job i'm at now, i'm comfortable there, and i'm not sure i want change. also, i'm trying to decide if i even want to stay here (in omaha) for much longer. but, of course, i know that i'm not going to actually move any time soon. too much effort. too much definitive choice involved.

why can't i just declare "THIS is what i want" and go for it? why can't i find what THAT is? yes, i'm still "young" and shouldn't have to have all the answers now... but can't i at least have the answer for what i'm passionate about at this time? maybe not what i want for good, the be all and end all final answer, but at least what gets me going right in this moment.

yeah sure, this is probably some mid-mid-life crisis bullshit, but why can't i at least have a clue?

pinks.jpg (JPEG Image, 540x405 pixels)

pinks.jpg (JPEG Image, 540x405 pixels)