passion

so i'm watching "the actor's studio" now (although it could be anything), and realizing i have no passion. or, at least, i feel like i have no passion. nothing that i would die without. nothing i can't live without. nothing i couldn't give up. that i care about more than myself.

watching them (in this case, robert redford) talk about their career and life and how they came into the work, it just makes me realize that i have no path that's driven me to where i am. i've just sort of stumbled here because it was the easiest way to go. sure, i like what i'm doing. i love solving problems, thinking through the best way to do something, learning new ways of seeing something... but i don't know that i've come here because i'm passionate about it.

like, right now, i have a choice to make. i'm being pursued by another company, but i'm not sure i want it. my reasons for not wanting it are that i like the job i'm at now, i'm comfortable there, and i'm not sure i want change. also, i'm trying to decide if i even want to stay here (in omaha) for much longer. but, of course, i know that i'm not going to actually move any time soon. too much effort. too much definitive choice involved.

why can't i just declare "THIS is what i want" and go for it? why can't i find what THAT is? yes, i'm still "young" and shouldn't have to have all the answers now... but can't i at least have the answer for what i'm passionate about at this time? maybe not what i want for good, the be all and end all final answer, but at least what gets me going right in this moment.

yeah sure, this is probably some mid-mid-life crisis bullshit, but why can't i at least have a clue?