anna, still?

so yeah. had my "it's been a couple months, time to call paul" call from anna. sure wish i knew what was going on there, what happened, all of that. probably nothing would have, but seems like it could've. sure should've. not sure if it's my fault for not doing anything, or just timing at me moving away and her re-finding jesus.

either way, i'm my usual not letting go self. hurray for stupid! why i can't let go, especially of something that never happened, i've never understood. just always been that way. guess it's just easier to live in what might've been than what is sometimes. and, with my fear of anything resembling a relationship, these imaginary supposed-to-have-beens are my way of thinking i'm not as much of a loser in that area as i am. hurray for delusions!

oh well. i should really stop thinking about all this. doesn't get me anywhere.

resonant quote from the memory of running

When did I become so turned in on myself that I swallow feelings like fast food and everything tastes the same salty way?

somehow this really rang home with me. i guess it's because i tend to block out my feelings. try to keep everything out and at a distance. can't be affected. can't be bothered. can't be hurt. yeah, that's all right now.

blah

blah, blah... i'm drunk and i have the hiccups.... this sucks cause they wont' go away

the memory of running

so i'm reading it now. pretty good. is it sad that i relate to the main character? the alcoholic, lazy, dissatisfied with his life guy? i mean, ok. not an alcoholic. but the descriptions he gives for why he drinks. the escape. definitely rings home probably more than it should.

and maybe it's also just that i would love to just take off and start riding my bike again. really miss that. hopefully i'll actually get it out and do something soon. maybe.

Responsibility? What's that?

so, after working a 12 hour day... i go out with matt and stacey.. just got home... do i go to bed now? hell no, why would i do that? it's time to watch at least the daily show. maybe even the oc if i'm still up for it.

something to look forward to...

How to hate the Hawkeyes

Cheering for Iowa is like cheering for your significant other to cheat on you. This is not a friendly rivalry.

true... so true. no good Iowa bastards. ISU! ISU! ISU!

exhausted but not sleeping

seeing how i'm utterly drained, you'd think i'd be sleeping... and yet, no. why do i do this? too stupid for my own good it seems. :-)

work: round two

so i'm back at work. went and had some dinner, a couple margaritas... ready to go again? probably not, but i guess i'll try.

taxes are done

well, probably took longer than it should have to fill 'em out... and definitely waited longer than i should have to fill them out... but at least they're done!

more religious insight

this time from Futurama. while trapped on the planet Osiris 4, a new pharoah is needed... so the religious elders or spiritual guides or whoever the fuck the egyptians called them must read the wall of prophecy. while doing so, they say

Leader: "Great Wall of Prophecy, reveal to us God's will that we may blindly obey."
Followers: "Free us from thought and responsibility."
L: "We shall read things off you"
F: "And do them."
L: "Your words guide us."
F: "We're dumb."

of course i enjoyed this. the whole blind leading the blind thing, i just love. even if the blindly obeying of some in real life is what really pisses me off. at least i can still laugh at it.

thanks tvtome for helping out with some details

bride and prejudice

in other news, went to see bride and prejudice tonight. pretty good little film there. and for those of you out there wondering if you'll understand it since it's a foreign film and all, not to worry... it's in english. and definitely directed at us dumb americas. the sort of bollywood crossover project.

but yes, good stuff. funny. moving. you'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll hurl. sorry, couldn't resist the wayne's world reference. but it really is good and i demand everyone go see it.

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA!

TOGA! TOGA! TOGA! i can't believe i went to a fucking toga party. but man was that fun.

drunk paul... the return!

or maybe that should've been, the return of drunk paul. either way, i managed to drive myself home tonight at todd's party. again. at least i remember the drive, unlike halloween when it's somewhat of a mystery how i got here. anyway, i'm having trouble typing. so i'm gonna go to bed now. maybe i'll stick some pics up tomorrow.

praise at work surprises me

but it makes me feel good too. way to go me!

Awesome Paul, you are Da Man!!! Thanks for your efforts to get us back on track; we could never have gotten this far without you. Thanks again. OK, now back to work!

whether or not i really am that awesome, who knows. but i like to think so.

half-crazed headless chicken

that's what i am. running around, fixing problems. trying to make sure everything other people need is done. tracking down random errors they find. loads of fun. now, finally, i get to go eat lunch.

and you will know us by the trail of dead - worlds apart

Random lost souls have asked me
"What's the future of Rock' n' Roll?"
I say "I don't know, does it matter?"
This and that scene,
they all sound the same to me
neither much worse nor much better.

We're so fucked up these days
we don't know who to hate and who to praise
yet we consider this our suffering and pain
when we're so privileged, a fact
we all forget about as
we go on whinging all over the place.

How we laughed as they shoveled the ashes
wrath hath soured
blood and death, we will pay back the debt
for this candy store of ours.

Look at those cunts on MTV
with their cars and cribs and rings and shit.
Is that what being a celebrity means?
Look boys and girls, heres BBC.
See corpses, rapes, and amputees.
What do you think now of the American dream?

And our soccer moms and dads
who raised us brats on those TV ads
I know that they sleep at night.
Their conscience is intact
they've convinced themselves of that.

Giving money to Jesus fucking H Christ

How they laughed as we shoveled the ashes
of the twin towers.
Blood and death, we will pay back the debt
for this candy store of ours.

.... just brilliant. absolutely brilliant.

beer is good

i'm sure this comes as a surprise to no one, but beer is good. especially when it's fat tire. heh, i freudian slipped there and almost typed "fate tire" whatever that would mean. it's my destiny to drink? if so, i'm succeeding!

yes, that means i'm drinking out of my fancy new belgium worthy glasses again. oh how i love them. and how i love fat tire. and trippel. and who could forget the abbey ale? and 1554 as well. and on that note, i'm off to have another!

something wrong with this?

PhD Comics
that's the style i always used... just get up there and wing it. especially when i was TAing. no preparation there. for bigger presentations (those that required slides), i'd usually slap together something ahead of time and then just get up and talk. somehow always worked out. i'm just that good.

quote stolen from lindsay's away msg

It is difficult to say who do you the most mischief: enemies with the worst intentions or friends with the best.
-E.R. Bulwer-Lytton

and you will know us by the trail of dead - monsoon

Pray to God
But I doubt that he's listening
This world is a gutter
That he likes to piss in

not surprising that this is the part of the song that immediately jumps out at me, but why is that? why do i have this dislike (hatred? no, too strong a word) for religion? i believe there is something larger than we can know, so why is religion so horrible? i know i talked to julie about this the other night, but really that was drunk paul so i don't remember the details.

suffice it to say, i feel it was mostly having to do with the fact that religion brings a lot of baggage with it. perdisposed beliefs and ways of thinking/acting that i guess i'm just not comfortable with. which i think is where a lot of my hostility comes from. so many people now and as i was growing up who acted as if they were better simply because they went to church, when oftentimes they were some of the worst. yes, i know... really unique observation there, no one's ever thought that before. oh well, whatever.

uplifting thought of the day

the mini-blinds on the window at the end of my cube row have the end of the pullstring tied into a noose

i'm not crazy as long as i think i'm not, i think?

the people in the cubes near me have to wonder about me... i think i talk to myself too much, especially with my headphones on, which probably only makes it louder. is this a bad thing?

remembering things

looking back at old pics and blogs, not a wise thing to do. too much back there that's better left undisturbed.

Giant stone Jesus to take revenge on mourning public.

Giant stone Jesus to take revenge on mourning public.
oh POE, sometimes you're just too good.

drunk paul

apparently drunk paul was out in semi-full force last night. didn't do anything too stupid, but wasn't exactly the best i've ever been either. gotta love having a few too many beers and just lettin it go. oh well. at least i'm not dragging ass too much today.

because of you

why do i feel so much from this song? damn you kelly clarkson.

fuckity-fuck-fuck

sorry illini fans, you were destined to lose because i was hoping you'd win. life continues to taunt me. giving me glimpses of what's possible, only to pull it away in the end because i want it too bad. guess that's what i get for taking an interest in something.

not that i was some huge illini fan or anything, just that i had picked up my family's interest at the end. given that i usually don't watch until the march madness goes down anyway, i think that's an ok thing to do. and of course, the team i was watching and rooting for had to go down. as with everything else in my life, the possibilities seem endless and great, but the realities are disappointing and come with crushing defeats. boy i'm a positive person. good thing i've got all this optimism to carry me through.

exhaustion sets in again

not even completely through the first day back and already totally drained... but i guess that's what happens when you spends hours at a time going back and forth between people checking on things i need done, answering questions they have for me, and/or finding out more things i need to do/fix. it's great to be back.

back to the failure

spent the first hour of work this morning going through last week's emails... oh what fun. then a worthlessly wonderful boring meeting on process. what a waste. and finally, after 2 hours of walking around checking with everyone, i'm back and ready to start "working" only to have to sift through another barrage of emails.

sometimes i wonder how anything gets done. probably only because i end up staying late and when no one's here, it's amazing how much more i get done. hurray for the company whipping boy!

making life easier for danilee

so i've taken The D's suggestion and started my own little happy piece of the great big blogosphere... here you can keep track of what i'm doing without me ever having to know that you're keeping tabs on my life. isn't that wonderful? i think it is. enjoy!